You know you’re neurotic when you read about a rare infection affecting rabbits in Australia and the only thought that comes to your head is, “I think I have it too”. I’ve been so fixated on making every piece of health-related news a personal reality that I’ve been able to self-induce symptoms of bizarre diseases by just worrying about them a little too much.
Expert worriers like me can expect to self-destruct during quarantine. It is especially difficult when there is nowhere to run to for reassurance and no numbers of “It’s going to be okay” work. You’ve got to keep your calm while all hell is breaking loose. There’s no telling if/when things will get better but you have to live with the uncertainty until it decides to leave you.
For someone who thinks staying informed about the world is a prerequisite for being morally good, avoiding information about sickness is out of the question in the middle of a pandemic, when all you read and everywhere you look, you only see illness and death.
If a year ago you asked me what I thought my reaction to the current situation would be, I would tell you that irrationality would rule my world, and that comfort would be a far possibility. But today, I feel an inexplicable calmness. A borderline confidence that I can’t make sense of. Perhaps it’s because my mortality has been shoved so hard into my face, it’s so tangible and real, that it’s lost its horror. Or perhaps I’ve lost my mind.
I’ve not been thinking about big things, like life after quarantine, because they’re too big and I’m not ready for them yet. I’m trying to focus on smaller things, like perfecting my apple crumble. I’m not alluding to escapism as a temporary quick-healing band aid to cope with the anxiety, I’m trying to suggest that going with the flow and taking it one day at a time helps.
Oscillation has become a new rule in my household and apathy and gratefulness have become two ends of my spectrum. The apathy arises out of a feeling of helplessness, of not knowing enough and not being capable of knowing more. The gratefulness, on the other hand, does not stem from hope and faith, but imminent disaster. Things are changing faster than I’m capable of comprehending, but in this moment, I’m safe. The calmness may be fleeting, and sooner or later despair may take over, all the more reason to revel in the tranquillity, right?
Whatever is it that you’re doing, it’s working for now, because you’re here and it’s alright. In the last month-and-a-half, I’ve gone from hyperactivity, to exhaustion, to a lull and finally to giving in. God only knows what the next few weeks have in store for my life and brain. If one day, I wake up, and shit goes down, I’ll go down with it. But until then, things are okay.
I was on a call with a friend last night when she said to me, “You know I always thought I would be comfortable indoors, I thought I liked being holed up, but I’m not that person.” It took her a month of spending a little too much time by herself to discover something so true to her being, and it took me three attempts at making the perfect apple crumble. All this time alone is going to lead to some revelations, about things you’ve been hiding from yourself, or things you didn’t know you were capable of. It’ll come to you when the time is right or maybe, you’ll have to get started with your own apple crumble.
Seriously though, the number of apples you chop into perfect half-inch cubes is directly proportional to the number of insightful reflections you will have all week.
Here’s My Best Apple Crumble Recipe to get you started:
CRUST
- 1 cups all purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon sugar
- 3/4 stick chilled unsalted butter, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
- 1/8 cup vegetable oil
- 3 tablespoons ice water
- 1/2 teaspoon apple cider vinegar
METHOD
- Mix dry ingredients. Add butter and oil and rub in with until coarse meal forms. Mix 3 tablespoons ice water and vinegar and drizzle over dry mixture.Gather dough into ball, flatten and wrap in plastic. Refrigerate for an hour.
- Preheat oven to 200°C. Roll out dough to the size of your dish and transfer dough. Refrigerate. Prepare filling and topping while dough cools.
FILLING
- 2 apples sliced into 1/2 inch cubes
- 1/3 cup sugar
- 2 tablespoons all purpose flour
- 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
- 2 tablespoons butter
METHOD
- Mix all ingredients and set aside.
TOPPING
- 3/4 cup all purpose flour
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 1/4 cup golden brown sugar
- 1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 6 tablespoons chilled unsalted butter
METHOD
- Blend all ingredients in processor until clumpy.
ASSEMBLY
Transfer apple mixture to dish with dough. Add topping over the apples. Bake pie for 25 minutes on 200°C. Reduce oven temperature to 170°C and bake until apples are soft, around 50 minutes longer, and TADA!!
okay chalo 