It’s been three weeks, I haven’t had anything to do or anywhere to go, and yet I feel more worn out than I have in a long time. I’ve done the unimaginable, I’ve finally got myself to take those online French classes.
I moved to Paris last year, and left behind the comfort of being surrounded by friends and family to try my hand at surviving in a strange country, with stranger people. Little did I know that my year abroad would not only entail facing the regular anxieties of starting anew, but I was also destined to grapple with the end of a friendship, and lose a part of myself that I was so desperately clinging on to (a story for another blog post, or five). All this is to say that I thought I was good at being by myself, at figuring it out, but here I was, at the end of day 20 of quarantine, panic-stricken and exhausted out of my mind. Let’s be clear, I am hyper-aware of how lucky I am to be 1) financially secure enough to take time off, or #WFH and 2) healthy enough to function. Because if does sounds like I’m complaining, I am not.
Over the course of 14 days, I’ve learnt how to code on an Arduino board, I’ve begun re-learning how to play the piano, I’ve checked three “to-read” book titles out of my list, I’ve spent hours playing video games, I’ve finally got myself to try out cocktails bitter recipes I’ve been hoarding for months, I’ve done a push-up, and, I’ve almost passed out while trying to follow a 150-burpees-in-10-minute challenge on Instagram.
If this seems befuddling to read, trust me, it was much worse to carry out. I’ve tried so hard to fit activity into my day that my to-do lists have started to look like my mother’s apocalypse-ready grocery lists. I’ve meticulously planned out my day from the minute I open my eyes up until I’m too exhausted to keep them open anymore. It’s been tiring, yet, so. damn. fulfilling. Moderation seems all but impossible right now and I’m not exactly striving to achieve a balance anytime soon. If keeping busy, almost to the brink of burning out helps me navigate the uncertainty and feel a semblance of control over my future, then so be it, I guess?
I’ve always thought of myself to be laid-back, borderline lazy, someone who’d rather spend the day finding the ideal water to beans ratio to brew the perfect cup of coffee than work on university applications. Yet, this flurry of action revealed to me something that I’ve tried so hard to run away from. The fear that I may not have enough time. That if I don’t figure it out now, I never will. That life as we know it is only going to get harder. And if it does get harder, then I may never make it.
We may all be in this together, but survival, or thriving is not a one-size-fits-all. We’re all scrambling for coping mechanisms. Some of us may find that in stillness and restraint, while others in movement. Some in feeling, and others in rest. Some may not need to find it and others may not want to. Whatever it may be, I hope you find what works for you soon.
okay chalo 